Tuesday, June 9, 2015

tauliah? : you're NOT gonna make it.

8 APRIL 2015. 

I received a shocking news. 
I was in the class. Kelas Dr. Rita, World Englishes. Dalam lebih kurang setengah jam kelas start, aku dah mula mengantuk. So I took out my phone. Ada satu missedcall, office number. And dua mesej, personal number. The message stated that she's from Pusat Sejahtera, Puan Azima. And that I needed to contact her back, ASAP. And, URGENT. 

So I did. I contacted her on the spot. She said I needed an appointment with the doctor, Dr. Normala. So she set it up easily for me. I would go to Pusat Sejahtera and meet up with Dr. Normala at 3.15 pm on that day. At first I told her that I have class at 3 pm that day. So she said I could meet the Dr. at 2.30 pm. "It won't be long," she said. But thank God, my class was at 2 pm actually. I had forgotten that. So instead I met her at 3.15 pm that day. 
For God's sake, I had a presentation that day! On Nigerian English. Alhamdulillah, all is well, after the presentation, I went straight to Pusat Sejahtera. 

As soon as I reached there, everything was set up already. They had my name registered, and I just needed to see the Dr. I was kind of surprised actually. Like, they've been waiting for me all along. "That,is not good a sign", was my thought. Still, I went in courageously, dissing all the bad thoughts. 

Dr. Normala began explaining things. I did a medical check up before, for the sake of Pentauliahan Palapes. She kept saying about all these blood related things, Hep A, B and even C.. yada yada~~ and that I have none of those. I kind of getting a bit irritated, why does she keep saying about unnecessary things?? I thought, if I had none of the above, then what? What is she's trying to say??

And at last the bomb was dropped on me. During the 'saringan' phase of the blood, OF MY blood, they found a reaction of HIV virus. She said that my blood has some reaction that indicates that I have that thing IN me. Okay, this thing I googled later when we were done. The only thing I managed to understand at that period of time, was that I might have HIV. Yeah, only might. But Allah knows how it affect people. DREADLY. 

Still, I was calm. I was expecting something. But not this. CLEARLY not this. My line of family generation have had a few people with positive breast cancer. So I thought maybe I had the luck. Yeah, luck. (Allahuakbar..) 
However, the next thing Dr said shocked me to a new level. If I am diagnosed positive with this thing, then I would need to drop from Palapes. She said they wouldn't accept me. They won't acccept anyone with this thing. At first I was calm. I am calm. But at the thought that I would need to drop from Palapes, my world came crashing on me. I got dumbfounded. That news engulfed me more than anything. Believe me when I tell you more than anything, that including the fact that I might have been diagnosed positive with that thing., which for now, not yet confirmed. 

After all I've been through, I need to stop? After all the sunburnt and all those scars, I need to stop? After all those humiliation, those sneers and all those bad talks, I need to stop? After all those innocentness I sacrificed, I need to stop? After all those harassments, I need to stop? And after that countless NO abah and mama said, of which I defy, I need to stop?? You tell me what would you feel.? 
It's not gonna be long already. I am getting there. Only a few more days trainings left, I'm getting there. It's the only thing I've ever wanted ever since I was a kid. But you are telling me I'm not gonna make it? Ya Allah, I plead for Your Mercy. For Your Generosity. Please, please and please.. 


To be honest, I kind of asking for it actually. When I was a kid, a teenager, I had a thought. That maybe, if I had a serious illness, maybe that would be better for me. Maybe I would do my sollah better, my puasa much better. That I would be a good 'hamba' to Him. A much better person entirely. Or so I wished. 
If I have one thing to advice; it's that you should NOT ask for something bad from Allah. Yes, hanya Dia yang tahu hikmah di sebalik segala benda. Still, you should not. You should only ask for good things. For you and for everyone else. 


- May Allah bless. me and you - 

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